I take care of a toddler at 5 am. Cuddling. Making breakfast. Throwing in another load of laundry (and hate it). Dance to Elmo from Sesame Street. Practice German with a kid living in the US, who probably thinks what's that jibberish my mum is always letting out of her mouth. Cuddle more.
I walk into the office with German pop blasting through my headphones. Dancing. In Chicago. In this home away from home.
I try to be a valuable member of society. Work on things that matter. Study hard for my dreams. Coach people with big aspirations. My last pay check was never. The last invoice 2 months ago. But we keep going. I chose this life.
I get to the gym. Sweat. With my husband. Enjoy being a couple. Fuel a strong mind and soul. And just because it feels good...to feel strong.
I walk home and sometimes we all walk home together. Rush to the grocery store. Think about dinner. And a little something to make the little guy smile. Listen to German pop again. And yes, dancing. Again. Like my 18-year old self.
Or discuss politics. Like a big girl.
On some days I call my mum. Clueless about something. Or in need of a hug from the one that knows me inside out. Or just to laugh about life. Like we always did. Nothing changed.
I get home. Clean. Jump on the playground. Meet all the other mums. Try to have a very mum-my conversation. Talk about the best diapers and the best pre-school and kindergarten programs. Running the numbers in my head. Mentally re-calculate our finances for next year. Hop on a conference call with a corporate client while congratulating our little man for his recent sand cake. Try to be a 30-year old. I guess?!
It’s 6pm. I am tired. But happy.
Dinner time. Bed time. Story time. We fall asleep together. All three of us. Two in the bed. One on the floor. We wake up. It’s 8.30pm. Ugh. Where did the last hour go? Or more?
Time to study. My 21-year old self had an easier time with that.
Time to Netflix. Time to cuddle. Time to be a couple again. Share fears and excitements, share nonsense, drink a glass of wine, being silent with each other. Time to be in the now.
Some days are better than other. On some days I play more, work more, cry a little more, laugh a little more or do a little more of absolutely nothing. Sometimes I feel a little better about all of this and sometimes not, about where we are going, our future, whether I am a good mum, wife, sister, daughter, friend.
And on some days I just sit there and think: Damn, you came a long way. Let's get some glitter and celebrate.
I am all of this. A mum with a big heart. A 21-year old in the body of a 30-year old. And sometimes a 15-year old in the body of a 30-year old. And sometimes I am 30 in the body of a 30-year old.
Is this me?! All of it?! Dancing, sweating, working, loving, running, hustling, relaxing, pondering, confident and terrible scared, a teenager, an adult, a determined entrepreneurial women and coach, a loving mom, a committed wife in pure admiration and love for her husband and her little family?! Hell yeah!
It took me a while. People told me who you needed to be when you are x years old. But really? I don’t. I am happy because all of this is so terribly beautiful, not perfect.
It is beautiful to live all my different selves. It’s who I am. And one day I aspire to be a 60-year old in the body of a 30-year old. Still dancing through the streets like an 18-year old. Still pondering life like I do now. With the wisdom and grace of all my life experiences at 60.
May we all embrace our shining, perfectly imperfect characters. And embrace all the parts that we love. And choose to do the work that enables all of it. Now and forever.