Sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I think I am a little lost right now and yet I am so happy. My family is healthy, we moved into a beautiful new house, my parents are around the corner, I left my recent work with grace and forward momentum. And surprisingly, I don’t have to work right now. I don’t have to be somewhere right now. I could just be a mum. But I am not. I am burning inside. I love my children. And yes I am burning for something else as well. I am burning for something that is just about me and isn’t about me at all. And I am not sure what that is. I coach people to find this out and now I am here too. Finding my next level of purpose. I am excited to be in this place. It means I am chewing my own dog food and it feels damn right. 8 years ago I found myself for the first time. The place that made me the happiest is the one where I can help others to live their potential. And it is still here. But the shape is changing. A new level is approaching. I built two small agencies, became a coach. Always pursuing what was in my purpose’s interest. In the meantime, my purpose was kept alive by eating healthy, pursuing functional fitness, investing into the relationship with my husband, immigrating into the United States, meeting my work husband and building Venturesome with many ups and downs, and being fully available for my children. Even when they are asleep. Always making sure that whatever I am doing is always good for them.
My life is good. But I re-lost a piece of my soul. I realized it a few weeks ago. During yoga. I started crying when I got back in the car. And I knew it was back again. 2013 pain. The year when my dad passed away and I personally went through a terrible time of grief, not being enough, pleasing those that weren’t in it for the long run. I was trying to lean onto the wrong people in my life. Hoping that they would believe in my potential. It wasn’t until my now husband and I got back together, that I understood what ‘unconditional’ means… It’s a dirty word. It’s dirty because it is in no way romantic. Something that we all think it is. It means to be available for someone, to believe in someone, to take in the words your partners speaks while knowing that they are trying to say something else. Unconditional is not a condition, it’s a commitment to believing in each other, and walking through the muddiest times, and still choose it over shinier times with someone else.
This is where I am - luckily I have everyone by my side now. Everyone who means just about everything to me. So this time I am going to walk through all of this by myself. And if I need to fall… I know I got my crew to catch me. And I never realized just how empowering this is.
So what is different? What inside of me needs work?
It's deeper gratification. Knowing that what you do gives life to myself, others and sets an example for my children. 2013 also made me realize how shallow 80% of life is. How it really doesn’t matter what your job is, where you live, what you wear. While this seems obvious it also makes you aware of what you should be working on. Helping people/ politicians to get unstuck, creating friendlier, better, cleaner cities and neighborhoods, being a voice of optimism and encouragement, taking people in for dinner as much as you can, making friends with the homeless and schedule time to bring them dinner, make money with something that creates lasting value, something that preserves our life on earth (whatever that means for you), contributing to a world that knows barriers and minds other people’s life, encourages stillness, touching people’s hands to say thank you. I could keep going. There are small things and there are big things.
The above is what keeps me thinking. How can I improve my coaching services for my clients? How can I improve the work with startups so they are equipped for the next level of growth? Am I in the right place in my life? If yes, why? If not, why not? I faced limitations at work and at home recently and I want to give it space - Space to tell me something that I do not understand yet. I know I need to be on another learning curve. I want to be truly challenged again. And in turn make me a better servant, coach, wife, mum, daughter, sister, friend, athlete.
I never had a career, I never had a private life. It’s all one. I am one. I am making decisions - whether it is family or not - from the same place. It’s the place of meaning, the place of potential. I never found myself in a corporate job, or rushing home after work to get to the kids. I always had my home office. I always had my virtual clients. I always was able to greet Maxi after school and play. Or go to the playground. I was able to have self-guided pregnancies. Nobody told me I had to be somewhere. Clients were working with me and I was working with them. I dedicate myself to never more than two clients. To keep the engagement and quality high. My coaching clients are people. Just like me. I am like them. My life is filled with real engagement, real problems worth solving, real stories, real struggles, real joy.
And yes, I could have my husband run the financial show for the next 40 years. But I won’t. Why? Cause I want him to know that he can take a break if he wants to, that he can lean into finding himself once he ever needs to, that I can provide for all of us if we get to put into this situation, that I am the mother of his children and his business partner for life, and that I love what I do. Cause everybody knows: #happywifehappylife, right?! :) Cause life is a little more complex than deciding between staying at home and not. At least for us. At least for the dreams and visions that we want to live with our children. And definitely because I want my children to know what it means and takes to work for that fire inside of you. I do not know what the decision will be. But I know I am on the way of making one.